cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

My therapist wants me to talk to people. Specifically, he told me to call a friend and go to lunch or tea or coffee or whatever. Just get out of my normal routine. He also told me to do some other things, mostly to help with the feeling of being lonely, even when I'm surrounded by people. Time to end the isolation, apparently, but still maintain the balance of quiet and alone time that I need. Not sure how this is going to work, but it's a thing.

I made polenta for dinner Saturday night. Emi thought it was the best thing EVER. Ox was not too sure about it. It's new and different, so he's skittish. He did try a bite, though, so that's progress. He also chowed down on the fish I cooked, so that was gratifying.

I felt like a terrible mom at the end of this weekend. If I wasn't doing chores, I was playing a video game. I played and snuggled with the kids some, but I was very, very selfish with my time. This sucks.

My new Surface can Remote Desktop to my work computer like a champ. The resolution on the screen is such that I can see my entire work desktop on my tablet screen. This means that everything is TEENYTINY. I got work done, and I'll be using this to travel instead of my enormous laptop, but still. I either need to change the resolution or get used to eyestrain. Also, the absence of certain keys (insert, print screen) is a novel experience. Not sure I approve.

In order to make werk seem not so bad today, I requested a bunch of vacation days. The Monday after the UW workshop, for example. The kids' birthdays. My birthday. Downwood's birthday. A long weekend around July 4. Things like that. I'll still have enough vacation to spend around xmas and if I need a long weekend another point in the year, but this will help give me things to look forward to.

Haven't made final decisions on Germany/Belgium yet. Need to do that.

Even though we're planning this big trip in September, I'm considering taking a minitrip with the kids in August. I think we could drive down to Chicago, go to the aquarium, get a hotel with a pool, spend the night, go to the Field Museum in the morning, and then come home in the afternoon. We could do it on the Monday-Tuesday of their birthdays for added specialness. Chicago hotels are expensive, as is food, parking, and admission, but it would be a nice family thing...and then we'd abandon them for a week and a half while we go play and drink beer.

Okay. To work with me. I have a quick bit of code to write and troubleshoot, a giant project that's now overdue, but more awesome than before, and the usual pile of miscellaneous panic. Yey. Time for tea and work.

Thursday was the first meeting of our improv group at work. I'm not nearly so funny or thin or good at acting or anything as my compatriots. But it was fun and I think we'll do okay.

Friday I got up and started a whirlwind of packing. Then I whisked myself up to Verona to get the filling on my front tooth replaced. I broke the tooth when I was 8 and get the bonding replaced every 7-10 years. The next time will probably have to be a crown, but I'd rather put off that expense as long as I can.

Then I came home, threw the last couple of things into the car, threw us into the car, and drove to Des Moines for our summer vacation. We ate "fancy" dinner (Applebee's) and went swimming with my sister, brother-in-law, and their little boy. Bash was Not A Fan of the hotel pool, which was on the cold side, but he enjoyed splashing in the hot tub.

It took a long time to settle down the kids Friday night, but settle down they eventually did. It took even longer for Downwood and me to fall asleep, since we're not used to going to bed so early and having to be so quiet when we do.

Saturday was a long day. We got up, got breakfast, and went over to my sister's house. We chatted and played with the baby until our folks showed up. Mom is phobic of sitting still, so we walked down to the neighborhood park. Then we all got into our cars and headed up to Boone.

Back in February, I'd decided that we were going to do something fun for Father's Day. So I bought us all tickets to ride the Boone Scenic Railroad. I got the first class tickets, so we got to ride in the bi-level cabin. It's a 2 hour ride, just going out and back through the Des Moines River Valley. On the way out, we rode up top in the coach. On the way back, we rode on the bottom. It was beautiful and relaxing and the kids LOVED it. 

After the train ride, we raided the gift shop and headed back to Sister's. We ordered in pizza for dinner and then all went swimming again. Bash was a little happier about it and my parents had a ball with their grandkids.

Since Saturday was such a long day, everyone fell asleep a little easier. We didn't stay asleep, however, as there were territory disputes in the kids' bed that needed mediation. 

Sunday was another rush of a day. We got up, packed up the room, and put everything in the car. More breakfast and we were at my sister's house again. We played with the baby, used the clippers to give Ox a haircut (finally), and waited for CostCo to open. The girls (me, Mom, Sister, Emi) made a CostCo run for samples and bulk purchases. The guys stayed home, though my stepdad walked with Ox up to the park so he (Ox) could run around and feel special.

Around noon, we said our goodbyes and started for home. On the way, we stopped in at my grandparents' house. Grandpa is home, but we don't know for how long. The cancer's spreading and getting worse. We were surprised to find my youngest aunt, uncle, and their three kids there, but it was nice to see them. The kids played, we talked, and eventually, I pried us all out of the house.

We got home pretty late, since we stayed so long in Newton. The kids were in RARE form on the way home. Ox dumped apple juice all over himself, so he got put into Emergency Tshirt and Emi's skirt (she had on both skirt and shorts). We called it a kilt and he was SO PROUD of his ruffles. Little dude has mad style, yo.

Today is the last day of my vacation. I have mixed feelings about this. I feel just as tired and worn through as Thursday, if not more so. I spent the weekend trying to make everyone else happy and didn't really get much happiness out of it. My favorite part was snuggling the baby, which really isn't a surprise, but still.

I got to sleep in until Emi crawled in with me. I made cinnamon rolls for us and blueberry pancakes for the kids. I went to the salon and got a manicure. My nails are now a beautiful purple and my hands are moisturized. I listened to the new Welcome to Night Vale and OH MY GOD THE PLOT THICKENS AND WHY IS THIS PART A AND PART B ISN'T COMING OUT UNTIL JULY?!

Now I'm doing laundry and trying to psych myself up for dance. I just...have no fucks left to give about anything. I'm tired and sick at heart. I was supposed to have fun, but seem to have forgotten about that. I looked at some of the pictures from the train ride and, though I thought my green eShakti dress was cute and flattering, what the pictures showed was anything but. 

Emi's playing with her Lego, Downwood's mowing the lawn, and Ox is theoretically taking a nap in the tv room. I should be content with this and enjoy that I have the job flexibility to not be at work today.

Blah. Should. Whatever.