cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Teacher M is down with my plan to start a Comp Sci certification program this summer. Anything to make me more stable and happier in my job is a good thing, especially since I don't plan on quitting. My health insurance is amazing, yo, and I need it.

Back in January (I think), I was working on a wearable muslin of a pea coat pattern. I kept thinking that it'd be okay, but turned out to completely not fit. So I took it to class last night and had ReplyHazy try it on. It fit and I told her it was hers. She has to sew on the buttons and cut the button holes, but everything's there. I am sort of sad because it's totally awesome, but I don't have the energy to take it apart to make it fit better. I know more for next time, that's for sure. And RH is super cute in it. And she can appreciate the total nerdery of the somber exterior and kind of silly lining.*

I did a bunch of yoga over the weekend. It felt nice, so I'd like to keep doing this. I didn't have the energy this morning, though. Tuesdays are hard. Maybe after work. Or something. I just need to get more active again. I'll feel better.

Werk's Spring Conference of Minor Doom is this week and next. Our culinary options are limited, since we're feeding all the extra people instead of the usual employees.** I bought bananas and granola bars to have at my desk to help with the limited menus. They're still sitting at home on the kitchen table. I has a sad.

Dungeon Roll is the current game of choice for Downwood and me. It's us against the dice instead of us against each other, so it doesn't end with hurt feelings (he crushes me in pretty much every game we play ever). It doesn't take forever to set up.*** Also, Emi and Alex can roll some of the dice to help, but they don't yet understand that they can't then manipulate the dice until Momma or Daddy has decided what to do about the current layout.

I cracked 125k words on the writing project I'm sharing with Downwood. The plot thickens and the characters are about to have a series of very bad days. Mwahahahaha.****

I caved and bought all three new flavors of peanut M&Ms. None of them suck. I was surprised. The Honey Nut are standard peanut M&Ms, just a bit sweeter than normal. The Coffee Nut ones have a nice coffee bitterness to them. The Chili Nut ones have a surprising amount of heat on the back end. Downwood claims that the red Chili Nut M&Ms have more heat than the other colors in the pack. Clearly, I need to eat more M&Ms. FOR SCIENCE.

I've been wearing tinted lip balms for the last couple months and I love it. My current favorite is Neturogena MoistureSmooth color stick in Rich Raisin. I feel pretty.

My officemate has been in the office the last two weeks. She's been on the phone and loud pretty much constantly. She was going to be out this week and I was excited. Then she cancelled her trip because of things on fire and full of bees. I am disappointed.

I'm wearing my new dress from this pattern. I'm wearing a tank top under so that the v-neck is more work-appropriate. It's comfortable and cute, which is nice.

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*Star Wars. It's mostly lined in flannel with a lovely navy contrast print on lapels and cuffs. Totes adorbs.

**Not bitter, truly, just annoyed that my usual routines are disrupted. They're moving my cheese and I do not approve.

***I'm looking at you, Pathfinder card game. You're fun, but SERIOUSLY.

****A lot of guys ignore the laugh, and it's about standards. I mean, if you're gonna get into the Evil League of Evil, you have to have a memorable laugh. What, do you think Bad Horse didn't work on his whinny? His terrible death-whinny?

Alex didn't want to get out of bed this morning. So snoozy. When we have to get someone out of bed before they're ready, we'll say that they're "not done on both sides". This is something I remember my grandmother telling me. Alex wasn't even done on one side this morning. He finally staggered out of his room just as I was getting ready to go. He held his arms up and just wanted hugs. He laid his head on my shoulder and refused to let go. So we hugged for a long while.

Our family xmas present from my in-laws was a piano. It's a full keyboard and has all sorts of electronic effects. It has very high reviews on Amazon. The kids are enthralled. Now we need to find a teacher.

It is Tuesday, so I had an extra coffee this morning. Small skim almond latte for the win!

I have only two sessions left in my 30 day Anxiety pack on Headspace. It has helped. I haven't had to take the Xanax in a while! Woo!

My Fitbit thinks I didn't have any active minutes yesterday. My Fitbit doesn't understand me. The Saidi choreography that Teacher M's putting us through is ZIPPY. Holy buckets. Also, my phone is convinced that my Fitbit is out of battery. There's a lot of miscommunication going on here.

I don't have pockets today so I'm not going to refresh my lipstick. Still, I put it on this morning, so that counts toward my resolution.

In an effort to appear more confident and put-together at work, I've been walking around with an invisible Darth Vader and/or Evil Queen cape around my shoulders. This forces my shoulders down and back, my chin up, my gaze up, and all of me to have just a teensy bit more swagger.

This also means that I'm generally walking at 104 bpm as my theme song plays in my head.

This had an unintended side effect last night in dance class, though.

Imagine, if you will, Darth Vader or - even better! - Kylo Ren belly dancing. Walking like a dancer, hip dropping, acting cute, and getting down with a new Saidii choreography.

Yes. This will work.

I'm dressed all in black. Black shirt, black pencil skirt, black leggings, tall black boots. I have black gloves and red lipstick sitting on my desk. My red trench coat and red hat are hanging on the wall. At lunch, Carmen Sandiego will stalk the halls of the Evil Empire.

This afternoon we have a team party. For this, I have a headband and a plastic star destroyer to attach to it. I will be "V95.4 - Spacecraft accident injuring occupant". This is one of my favorite ICD-10 codes for obvious reasons.

I have been rocking out this morning. I've also almost convinced myself that I could dance at Newer Dancer Night. I have ideas. During my rocking out, I've been tearing apart new programmer exercises. I'm one of the mean reviewers who won't let you get away with ANYTHING. Mwahahaha. My laugh is an evil laugh.

The kids took their costumes to school today for the Halloween Parade and Party. Emi has her Black Widow coverall (purchased, as I didn't want to deal with it). Alex has his minion clothes on and his minions accessories (hat and glasses). They are STOKED about the holiday.

I have purchased two events today. The first - Paint Nite during xmas break! With RH and Au! Drinks, painting, and friends! WOO! I may smuggle in some glitter to add to my painting. Or I'll add mysterious hooded figures to my painting. Or both! The second event is a massage and pedicure for my birthday. WOO!

Life does not suck. My new antidepressants are kicking in. I'm less anxious overall and feeling better about the world. This is nice.

Today is a Tuesday that feels like a Monday. Ugh.

Yesterday was for playing with kids, Skyping with parents, sewing, and dance class. It was nice to sleep in. It was nice to snuggle with the kids. I got some sewing done, though not as much as I would have liked. I cleaned off the top of my desk and found all sorts of interesting things.

All in all, it was lazy, but with the tinge of "you have to go back to work tomorrow and you still have all these things NOT DONE around you and there's too much so you can't do it all so how can you decide what has to get done at all" anxiety. No fun.

Dance class was usual. No Au (yay baby!) and no New Dancer K (whew), but Entomologist Dancer was there, which was kind of nice. The drum solo is...probably not going to happen in my brain. It's fast and I'm coming in two weeks late. Also, I'm going to be at class next week, then skipping at least one week. By the end of the choreography hour, I wasn't completely lost, but I was utterly dependent on GPS and Teacher M to make it through.

Sigh. I didn't feel completely hopeless, at least. I just...I'm not very good at the sharp, staccato movements that drum solos require. I feel like they don't look very good on me. I still try hard, but I just don't really enjoy this kind of dancing.

Sunday was also lazy for most of the day. Alex and I snuggled while I read Seanan McGuire's latest. The big highlight of the day was taking the kids to the annual Library Book Sale and park. The kids pooled their money to buy a canvas bag, which they then had me stuff with books. I spent $5 on a 1876 copy of Alexander Pope's translation of The Odyssey and $10 on a 1880-1890 2nd edition copy of Darwin's Descent of Man. I haz a smug about this. Afterward, the kids played at the park. The heat index was insane (for Wisconsin) so when our water bottles were empty, it was time to head home. We went down to the basement to cool off and I got a couple more Hogswatch presents finished and put into the Present Box. Also, Emi lost her right front tooth and the left is super wiggly. She looks like a hockey player now.

Saturday was supposed to be for going to Faire. I'd promised it to myself as a "Get through Work Week of Hell and Don't Slap Anyone". But with a heat index in the triple digits, I decided that there was no way I was taking the kids out in the heat all day. So we lazed around, I read "The Shepherd's Crown", then Emi and I went to JoAnn's (all hail 25% off entire purchase coupon!) and Woodman's (UGH!). When we were at JoAnn's, Emi explained that she really NEEDS a new tiger blankie. Her blankie is pretty small (basically one square yard) and doesn't cover her anymore. So we got fuzzy, furry fabric for new blankies for her and Alex. And some knit for me for a skirt and leggings. And some surprise fabric.

Dance - Finally done with this choreography and have a bit of a break. I'll be traveling for some of it, but still.

Achievement Unlocked! - At the end of class, teacher M had us run through the choreography with a veil. We ditch it after about 2 minutes and keep going with the song. The choreography ends with a bow, then you come up, wave to the audience, and float offstage with the last couple measures of the song. We did this. All of us in the class took a lap of the "stage", said goodbye to the audience, and snapped up our veils on the way out. Teacher M was delighted. It was her Proud Dance Mama moment of the night, since she hadn't specified this - we just did it because that's what we're supposed to do.

Books - I'm listening to "The Martian" and it's wonderful. I'm reading "Other Worlds Than These" and am a mite disappointed - some of the stories in this anthology just aren't doing it for me, unfortunately.

Sewing - I have a couple more pant patterns to try out. I need to see what flatters this weird tummy of mine. Also, I'm terribly tempted by this pattern. Emi would love it.  https://www.etsy.com/listing/240378497/the-princess-power-suit-one-piece?ref=shop_home_feat_4

Werk - Stress. Anxiety. Triumph. Frustration. Success.

Weird - Night Vale tickets have been confirmed. I'm discovering other Night Vale citizens and rejoicing to see who else will be there. One will be my team lead who is now thoroughly addicted. Mwahahaha!

Adulting - I'm tired of being an adult. Adulting is hard. Why did I want to grow up, anyway?

The construction dudes outside my office window are busy, busy, busy. I'm kind of jealous of them because at the end of their day, they have something to show for it. I just manipulated a bunch of pixels and bits.

I think that's why I love crafts so much. I'm relaxing (sometimes), but I have something to show for it at the end. I like getting the "You *made* this?!" reactions, too. Someday in the future when we're all hard-wired into the internet, I want to still be one of the people who make useful and/or decorative things without 3D printing.

Dance class last night was brutal but enjoyable. The new choreography is to music that's majestic and magnificent. The intro sounds like the dancer should be carried onto the stage on a litter by strapping young men. It's that kind of old-school pomp and orchestration. Lovely, yet difficult to live up to.

I've signed Emi up for dance lessons at last. It's a 6-week summer session of Fairytale Ballet. Once the registration goes through, I'll call the studio to get her signed up for her free intro to ballet class. *IF* she likes it, we'll consider signing her up for "real" ballet in the fall. This summer, Emi has swimming lessons three mornings a week, softball Wednesday afternoons, and now ballet on Tuesday and Monday evenings. Super busy girl.

Emi's super excited about swimming lessons - she LOVED them last summer. She's also excited about softball - she's been dragging Daddy outside every afternoon to practice throwing and catching. She's gone from dodging the ball to catching balls in the air! She *wants* to put in the extra time to practice for this, which is totally cool. She doesn't know yet about the dance classes. I figure this can be a surprise for after Kindergarten Graduation.

Ox has some summer school scheduled. Instead of 4x/week, it's down to once a week. We're to keep doing the things that we're doing and to work harder on potty training. He'll get to go swimming, since we have a family pass, but swimming lessons start for kids who are 4 at the beginning of the summer, not the end. In the fall, we'll discuss signing up for soccer. Just like Emi two years ago, we don't know what Ox will want to get into. He may love soccer or he may hate it. I just want to give them both the opportunity to try new things to figure out what they love.

I will never be able to repeat this, but I had a Shining Dance Moment (tm) last night. We were noodling around to an accordion baladi and there was a part in the music where the accordion and I had a Moment. It was magical and lasted for all of ~8 measures. But it really worked while we were there. It helps that I'm ridiculously tall, so level changes look dramatic on my body. But still, it was lovely and Shining and just for a moment, all was right with the world.

My head hurts and there's a muscle near my right shoulder blade that's spasming and making it hard to both type and use my mouse. I suspect the head hurting is a direct effect of having very tight muscles all through my neck and upper back. Also, I don't get enough sleep on Monday nights.

I'm completely stumped by the latest puzzle in the Apocrypha Adventure Card Game Kickstarter. I've solved the previous four problems and gotten the badges, but this one is baffling me. It's got phone numbers that you need to decode to find the name of a body part. I've tried the trick of substituting the letters on the phone buttons, but that's not getting me anywhere. I've translated the numbers to letters and fed them through Caesar Cipher generators. I've tried manipulating the numbers to get different letters. Nothing. I need a hint of a new direction to go.

There were boxes of Dunkin Donuts in the break room this morning. There were actually donuts there when I wandered in to get water. There were not donuts there 15 minutes later when I went to rinse my coffee cup. Early bird, worm, and all that.

My sister will be here for the weekend of May 9. I want to find something fun for us to do. I also want to have some alone sister time with her. My therapist said that if the real me's personality, wants, hopes, dreams, and characteristics are fragmented into a million puzzle pieces, I should spend time with the person who knows the shape of most of them and likes me anyway. That'd be my little sister.

Also, to wrap this up, I read Mira Grant's (aka Seanan McGuire) new novella "Rolling in the Deep". It's about mermaids. I'm never going swimming again.

I got to work at quarter to seven this morning. I decided this entitled me to go get a fancy coffee a couple hours later. I decided to get the special. The special this month is Lavender Mocha. It's...weird. Will not buy again.

I'm leaving work at 3:30-ish today. I get to go get the final bit of my peacock tattoo colored in. I should be thrilled, but I'm just exhausted.

I only have one customer call today. This is good, as my customer service politeness reserves are dangerously low.

My eyelid is still twitching. Balls.

I organized some of my sewing table last night. I moved some patterns around and pinned together some quilt squares that were taking up space. I also had to get out the dustbuster to clean up the flying fuzz from the fabric. Ick.

Still conflicted about the workshop tomorrow. Only bit of conflicted about the show is whether I should wear a fluffy petticoat under my dress or not. I'm leaning toward not, since the seats and aisles are not that big.

Kids are still cute. Kids are still trouble. Kids are about to be sold to the gypsys. Kids don't understand why Momma is sad and grumpy and not a fan of being screamed at.

And my mouth still tastes like flowers and coffee. This is not good. Bleah.