cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

I'm out of practice and habit of posting. I'm reading everyone, just not making any of my own contributions to the hivemind. The holidays are hitting me hard this year with exhaustion and hermitage and illness.

Both kids started coming down with head colds right before Hogswatch. I now have their colds. This is no fun.

We made a tactical logistical error in our Hogswatch travelling. We first went to Iowa to spend a couple days with my family. We then went straight to Illinois to hang with Downwood's family. On our way home from there, the back of the car was packed to within an inch of its life. It was impressive and reminded us why we don't make multiple visits - too much stuff to bring home.

Yes, the kids made out like bandits. Again. They got legos, dolls, giant fluffy blankets, clothes, and many other things. Downwood and I got a selection of lovely things, too. The gifts we gave seemed to be taken well, so that was a nice feeling. I also got many compliments on the dresses, leggings, and shirts that I made for myself and Emi. 

And there was food and booze. And both kids went on hunger strikes, eating maybe one meal a day. Maybe.

We still haven't been able to see Rogue One. Nor have we been to see Moana or Sing. I want to go, but haven't felt up to leaving the house more than absolutely necessary lately.

I came back to work yesterday. I don't have another vacation scheduled yet to look forward to. The Evil Empire only closes for actual Jan 1, so even though my counterparts will likely all be off on Monday, I'll be here.

I'm tired. I know I've accomplished things, but I couldn't tell you what. I'm ready for the holidays to be over and things to go back to "normal". Whatever that is.

Hogswatch was largely good. I had lots of holiday anxiety, but got a lot of sleep and even got some things done around the house! I did lots of sewing, a little reading, some video game playing, and many, many snuggles. We watched a TON of Mythbusters - the Science channel had a mega-marathon of every episode ever and it's Emi's favorite show.

Highlights!

Hogswatch eve and day were at home and quiet. The kids were excited by their gifts from us and from Santa (coloring books, colors, books, small toy, candy). Emi LOVED the princess dress wardrobe that I made for her. Alex LOVED the wooden train pieces that I got him. Downwood loved the Star Wars PJ pants I made. We smoked chicken and salmon for dinner, but didn't really treat the day as a super-special thing.

By boxing day, I needed to get out of the house a bit, but not really be in public. So I went for a walk in the cold drizzle when the full-on rain stopped. I took the kids with me. Emi wanted to run and race. Alex jumped and stomped and splashed in every puddle he could find. It was fun, wet, and exactly what I needed.

We got our second big snowstorm of the year on the 28th. That happened to be the day I needed to drive up in to Madison for therapy and med check visits. I'd been planning on going to get a coffee in between the appointments, but I didn't want to go back out into the ick. So I sat in the lobby, drew a tangle, and read a book for the hour between the visits. I then went to the grocery store since I was already out. When I got home, I couldn't get my car up the driveway. Not an awesome end to the day, but not the worst thing ever.

Tuesday was Paint Nite with Au and RH and Au's little dude. The venue was cramped and kind of awful. I won't go back. But the chocolate martini was lovely, the painting was fun, and I love my friends. Also, RH liked the plaque I made for her and remembered the joke it's meant to commemorate. Life is good.

Emi got to have her first-ever real optometrist appointment. The appointment was early in the morning on NYE. She was super-awesome and impressed both the tech and the doc. She also has perfect vision. It was a good start to the day. Afterwards, we hit the drug store and the grocery store. Downwood and I spent our usual quiet NYE at home. We had terrible snacks (this year it was my fault), played some games, and I decided that the ball dropping in New York was a good enough midnight for me.

New Year's day and weekend we spent in Iowa with my family. It was mostly good. I ate FAR too much junk food, but didn't get too much in the way of awful from my mom. She was on good behavior, so I was, too. I got to hang with my sister and give good gifts. My daughter kidnapped my cousin and convinced her to play ponies for HOURS. I got to see Alex playing with my BiL specifically to annoy my nephew. He knew what he was doing, too, the stinker.

And now I'm back at work. I've made my resolutions and have started taking the steps to achieve them. The kids don't like getting up for school (big surprise), but Alex has discovered that Momma will read a book before she leaves for work. I'm tired and very glad that the holidays are over. We need to take down our tree and lights. I want to get back to sewing on my Star Wars pea coat. I also want to consider seriously working on my Victorian underthings. I won't get this done before the costume convention, but I'd like to get started.

Life does not suck. My brain doesn't always agree with me, but I'm in a better place than I was 6 months ago, which is a relief.

 We went to my in-laws' this weekend for xmas #1. On the way out of town Friday night, it started snowing. The weather forecast said NOTHING about snow, so we figured it'd pass.

I bought a new iPhone charger from ThinkGeek. It's a string of Christmas lights. It is glorious and makes me smile when I look at it.

I will be finalizing packages to send to PA and TX tonight. I will probably delegate the actual visiting of the post office to Downwood, but I will have the gifts out of the house and on their way to make far-flung friends happy.

I have a haircut and brow wax tomorrow after work. WOO!

I will be re-henna-ing my hair on Saturday. Sparkly hair for the holidays!

We have gaming on Sunday. Will be able to hand out xmas presents, too. Though I didn't get one of them finished. Oh, well. It doesn't have to be elaborate. It'll be fine.

Somewhere this weekend we'll have to bottle the Saison de Noel. I MUCH prefer the brewing to the bottling. Bottling is no fun. But bottling this weekend means we can drink it on xmas. And that I'll have enough room in the Brewing Closet to start a batch of Innkeeper Ale and a test batch of Cranberry Mead.

Only 10 more work days and then a long break.

Also, the book I was listening to ("Off to be the Wizard") had a main character who was being a dumbass. So I put it back and started re-listening to "The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making". This was a good decision

I'm still sick, but getting around better. I should probably go to the doctor at the end of the week if I'm still rattling and hacking. My cough is pretty darn impressive.

Thursday evening was Emi's winter concert. Alex won't be in it until next year. Since I'm sick and Alex goes to bed early, he and I stayed home and watched the livestream of the concert, texting my mom as we all watched together from our various living rooms.

Did I mention our rural elementary school livestreams important events - concerts, graduations, and the like? Because it totally does. I love living in the future.

Friday was mostly for coming home from work and dying. So tired.

Saturday was mostly lovely. I didn't get to sleep in, but I got to get things done when everyone was still sleeping. Downwood took the kids grocery shopping and left me alone in the house for 3.5 glorious hours. I did my meditation, drank tea, and did a lot of sewing on xmas presents.

I also didn't get to sleep in on Sunday. I woke up coughing and went out to sleep on the couch. I don't think I was out there long before Emi and Ox were up and bouncing on me. Ugh. I love them, but no jumping on Mom when she can't breathe.

We put up the Christmas tree. Ox was BESIDE HIMSELF with joy. SO EXCITED.

I did a lot of laundry and frantic sewing. One of our friends with small kids is facing a possible entire lack of presents from Santa. I was already going to send them something, but decided to make some more things. Luckily, I had enough fluffy warm fabric on hand to make a mermaid tail blanket for each girl.

Then Emi wanted to wrap presents. This was not fun for me. I had to bring all the wrapping stuff upstairs. Then I had to go through all the presents and pull out everything not for our immediate family. And get it sorted. And then teach Emi how to wrap. And how to spell "Grandma". And every other name in our family.

Not. Fun.

But all the presents to go to our families are wrapped. All the presents that need to be mailed are wrapped. The presents for the friends mentioned above have no From names on them, the better to be from Santa if necessary.

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I'm having my usual winter anxiety and mental upset of the holidays. It's not so bad this year, mostly. I have days and hours where the anxiety's getting to me, but it's not quite as constant as I remember it being.

Reasons for better mental state this year: meditation, art, therapy, new anti-anxiety meds.

I'm trying to shut down the negative thoughts and be more at peace with who and where I am. It's not easy. Coloring and drawing are helping. Sewing is helping. Not setting up intricate travel plans is helping.

I'm REALLY looking forward to the week between xmas and New Years. There will be psych appointments. There will be Paint Nite. There will be sewing. There may well be sleeping. There will be games to play.

I can do this. I can make it through this.

I can also re-listen to some of my favorite books. That helps.

But I am sick and distracted and frazzled.

Things I have recently learned and/or experienced:

• Thanksgiving was awesome. It's my favorite holiday. There's no pressure for gifts or fancy costumes (though I do love me a fancy costume). I just have to cook good, simple food and have my house clean enough that there are places for people to sit. The food was delicious and our people were great. It was wonderful.
• This year's emergency call to bexdragon wasn't for butter, bread, or any of the usual items. It was for super glue. For first aid purposes. Yes, I managed to slice my thumb open pretty badly while prepping veggies. Bex was a hero and bought superglue for the sealing of the wound. It's healing nicely.
• In related news, Emi learned that she shouldn't play with super glue. She glued two of her fingers together and was sobbing because it was instant and hurt to pull them apart and then the glue wouldn't come off her fingers. She learned some important lessons, but I told her it was okay because she told me the truth about what happened and she didn't glue her finger inside her nose or eyes and she didn't glue her buns to the toilet seat. She laughed and things are okay.
• I think I'm done with my holiday shopping. I'm waiting on some things to be delivered, but I think I'm done. This is good. I have a couple things yet to make (princess dresses and mermaid blankets), but those are pretty easy. Now I need to wrap all the things. Ugh.
• My kids are wonderful. Alex is getting new words and sounds. He's trying SO HARD to communicate. Whew! Emi is a bundle of drama. There are moments when I regret having kids - mostly when our child-free friends go on spontaneous vacations - but then they do something cute and I'm glad I'm their Momma.
• I have a chest cold and feel icky and my voice is dropping octaves. I want to go home at noon so I can rest and not talk. And sew.
• I've been working on Things To Make Me A Better Human. These include: continuing to use Duolingo daily, but switching to Spanish instead of German, using my coloring books and colored pencils, making Zentangles, making elaborate doodles with colored pens, and learning meditation. I think I'm in a better place because of all these...and a new anti-anxiety med. I'm now on a regime of LOTS OF MEDS, so I need to find the other things that will smooth out the edges of my mental state and let me remember what "relaxation" feels like.
• Meditation is interesting. I'm using the Headspace app. I bought a year membership so that I'd commit to doing this daily. So far, it's been a nice thing. I'm worried about how I'll get the time when we're visiting family, but I can use it as a "I need to lie down" moment and hopefully maintain my calm. I have a voucher for a free month if anyone's interested. Voucher claimed on FB!
• Dance is good. We're working on a choreography that is mostly gentle, 1970s-style. Lots of Reda. It's a nice change from the OMG!DRAMAH of the last piece.
• Work is still work. Lots of things to do and my levels of cope are low. No bueno.

I will not impulse purchase more cute clothes. Yes, retail therapy feels good. Yes, I like looking cute. Yes, I have far too much stuff and I don't need to bring more into my life before I KonMari the hell out of my bedroom.

I will actually try the meditation app I downloaded. I can find 10 minutes in my day to be quiet and reflective. It won't be the same 10 minutes in the same place daily, but I can commit to this for 10 days before getting a subscription.

I will try to not stress about presents. Presents don't have to be perfect. I don't have to find the exact thing that will show that I understand a person, care about them, and know what's lacking in their life. "Good enough" is, in fact, good enough.

I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be good enough. I have to try my best at things, but I need to keep a sense of humor and relaxation. Perfect is a lie. Pinterest is a lie. Advertising, movies, and TV are lies.

I need to remember how to relax. Coloring books are awesome.

I will do the things that make me happy. I will do the things that let me try to be better than I am.

I will attempt to let go of worry and fear and anxiety. I may not succeed, but I will acknowledge that these feelings exist, that I have them, and that I don't actually need them most of the time.

I will read with my kids. I will give hugs. I will praise, smile, and be a good enough momma.

I will not flip out about the pile of things one of my customers just emailed me for a meeting in 68 minutes when I have another meeting for the 60 minutes directly before that meeting. Eep.

Here's how my last couple of days have gone:

I have a giant dev project that I need to get the dev done before I head out for Hogswatch, so I'm cramming a couple weeks' worth of work into a couple days. It also happens to be in an area that I'm not an expert in and something that I didn't want to write in the first place. So there might be a little bit of bitterness there, but it's getting done.

So today is my last Wednesday of the year at work. All I have left is some documentation and some administrative work. My code works, does everything that it needs to, and it's pretty cool. So there's that.

Things to look forward to: No more of the choreography that I really didn't like. Mom family xmas this weekend. Vacation starting on Tuesday. Ink appointment moved to Friday. Also, soon it will be the solstice and days will be getting longer and my SAD should get better.

So Downwood and I are trying to figure out this coming weekend. The original plan was to head to his mom's house Saturday morning and spend a couple leisurely days with her. There are two complications with this.

Complication 1 = Health
Complication 2 = Weather