cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Someone from high school shared a picture to Facebook over the weekend. It's full of poison. It's "15 Things To Stop Doing To Be Happy". I read it more as "15 things to want to stop doing, but end up doing more of because you're not living up to this unreasonable expectation". Here's the list:

1. Doubting yourself
2. Negative thinking
3. Fear of failure
4. Destructive relationships
5. Gossiping
6. Criticizing yourself and others
7. Anger
8. Comfort eating
9. Laziness
10. Negative self talk
11. Procrastination
12. Fear of success
13. Anything excessive
14. People pleasing
15. Putting others' needs before your own

Really? I look at this and think these things

1. I'm pretty sure they mean the destructive self doubt that tells you you wouldn't be able to do X anyway, so why bother trying? But really, doubting your preconceptions and prejudices is a good thing. Using the doubt to challenge is good. And sometimes, knowing that you can't do something is okay.
2. Okay, yeah. But saying "Stop this" isn't the way to make it stop. You have to learn new patterns. This is hard, takes a freaking long time, and did I mention that it's hard? Also, it's really, really hard if you think "Oh, I just have to stop thinking this way" without having the tools to change your patterns.
3. Again, pretty sure they mean the fear that stops you doing something in the first place. But there's also the fear of failure that makes you work harder so you succeed.
4. Okay, this one is acceptable. But, still, it's not something you can just stop overnight without serious intervention.
5. They probably mean the poisonous talking behind others' backs. I can agree with this.
6. Hold the phone. First you want me to say "I will have no negative thoughts because negative thoughts are bad" and now you say I can't criticize myself? And doesn't part of my job - both as a parent and as a worker - involve giving criticism? Granted, they probably mean the destructive poisonous criticism that broke me growing up, but if you never give any negative feedback because you're afraid of criticizing, that's just not helping anyone.
7. No. Anger is a useful tool. They probably want you to avoid wrath or losing your cool or losing your temper at someone. It's okay to get angry. You don't get to tell someone what emotions they can or can't feel, even yourself. Saying "I refuse to feel this emotion" is a good way to make all sorts of jerkbrain patterns. Emotions are what they are, you get to choose how you react, but not what you feel.
8. Again, combining this with some of the other ones all at once is not a good plan. You need time to get into healthier habits. Just stopping without having a support structure in place is a recipe for failure.
9. It's okay to take downtime. It's okay to stare at a wall. The chores will still be here tomorrow. It's okay to be occasionally lazy. As a way of life, I agree that it's not healthy, but seriously? Being busy every minute of every day will give you a complex.
10. I think I said what I needed to say back at #2. But, again, these patterns run deep. Changing them isn't a matter of saying once, "I'm done!" and having it magically be so.
11. Yes, I procrastinate too much. Yes, I should probably get things done in a more timely manner. But sometimes you can't do everything. Maybe it means that I shouldn't commit to as much, but this is how it is for now.
12. I'm just going to roll my eyes that they put fear of failure and success this far apart in the list. Yes, I know that being afraid you'll do either really well and be expected to do it again and again is out there and can be just as vicious as fearing that it's all going to go pear-shaped. But saying "Stop it" without saying "Here's a strategy" isn't helpful. It's hurtful.
13. Sequins. Laughter. Tears. Excess is okay. Moderation is okay. Abstention is okay.
14. There's this thing called "customer service" that I have to do if I want to be able to keep paying my mortgage and having food. That means people pleasing. Yes, it kills my soul to have to put up with the crap that comes at me on a daily basis, but I don't so much have a choice if I want to keep this lifestyle.
15. So you're not a mom, a dad, a pet owner, or a best friend? Got it. My kids' needs come first. Period. When they need me, I'm there. Just as when I need her, my mom is there. Yes, there are things I have to do for me - dance being the big one - and I make time for it. But if Ox gets sick, you can be sure that I'll call AJ and say that I won't be in the show on Sunday because sick kid trumps all. Period. If my best friend called with a crisis, I'd drop my work to talk her through it. That's what being a friend or a parent is about. It's not that there's no room for personal priorities, but by agreeing to care for someone, you have to make room for their priorities to become yours.

Argh. Poison. I'm still stressed about SitG this weekend and am trying to unpack those thoughts. How much of it is true anxiety about my piece not being awesome enough and how much of it is my jerkbrain doing its thing? How much of it is really feeling unprepared and how much is my skewed perceptions and constant exhaustion?

Now to hurry up and finish breakfast before my morning meeting series makes me utterly crazy.