cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Jerkbrain is trying to tell me that I'm fat, lazy, useless, and awful. Logicbrain and Headspace brain are fighting back.

Lazy?
I was in Florida for work from the 14th to the 18th. I then had to cram the rest of my customer work into Thursday and Friday, since I'm out all this week, too (work, then recovery). Over the weekend, I did yard and house work, made rhubarb jam, and did science experiments with the kids on Saturday. On Sunday I did a metric ton of laundry, hemmed a bunch of things*, cut out a new dress (another Megan romper, but a dress), and took my family to the movies.** We got the kids signed up for their summer programs. I also packed because work trip today.

Also, I not only got my steps in on both weekend days, but used the exercise bike while doing my Spanish. So there.

Fat?
Yes, I'm chubby. I like ice cream. I've also had two babies and work crazy hours. I'm getting healthier and am trying to make better choices. I need to be a good example for my kiddos, but not preach to them (like my mom did me). It helps that I know how to make clothes that fit my body as it is now, which makes me feel pretty.

Useless?
Um, HELLO?! While in Florida last week, I may have told a sysadmin that I didn't care if it was hard to fix, he just needed to do it. I also pulled together the things we'd need on the database side to fix it. And wrangled the other vendor into helping. All with a smile on my face. This week is going to be mostly answering questions and keeping everyone on task. And going to a baseball game with my team. Go Cardinals!! Woo!

Also, I got all the laundry done, folded, and sorted. I didn't get it all put away because the kids were already in bed, but I got it done.

Also, I need to pay UW for my summer classes. This is the first time in my college career that I've actually had to pay, so it feels a little weird.*** I'll get most of it reimbursed at the end of the summer, but it's a good chunk of cash up front. It'll be worth it, though.

Awful?
Nah. I could be a better person, but so could everyone else. I've just finished the Change pack on Headspace and it was SUPER helpful. Very, very good tools. I'll do that one again later. Now I'm onto Pro Pack Two, then Creativity. I'm working my way through Duolingo Spanish and am getting exercise while doing it. My hamstrings are terribly mad at me, but they'll get over it.

My kids are generally happy and healthy. I spend time with them and am actively trying to not warp them in the same ways I'm warped. All new mistakes = my goal.


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* - Capri leggings with attached skirt for Emi, T-shirt for Alex, Ruffle skirt for Emi, Cut-off shorts for Emi (huge hole in knee = cutoffs), Cut-off shorts for me (too-short pants = cutoffs). I have skillz.

** - I was originally going to take Emi to see the new Jungle Book, but decided to take all of us. Alex did okay, but got squirrelly toward the end. He's four. It's to be expected.

*** - Community college in HS was covered by the school (I ran out of classes to take). Undergrad was covered by a full-ride academic scholarship (I r smrt). Grad school was covered by lab work. Yes, I know how lucky I've been. I also worked my butt off for most of it, but I'm still very, very lucky.

Jerkbrain is being loud. To drown it out, I feel the need to list my accomplishments from the weekend.

In no particular order:

• Got to go to Med Hookah with Downwood. Got to sit with lots and lots of friends. The conversation was good, the service was INCREDIBLY SLOW, the dancing was good. Like, we got there at 7:30 and got drinks. We didn't get drink refills until 8:30 and didn't get our food until after 9. No bueno.
• For going to Med Hookah, I dressed up. I did full makeup, including getting to use my new eye shadows from Espionage Cosmetics (https://espionagecosmetics.com/makeup/the-browncoats-collection.html). I also pulled out a somewhat springtime dress covered in bright sunflowers with a reasonably trendy neckline (https://www.colettepatterns.com/catalog/myrtle).
• I decided I didn't like any of my other spring dresses and made a new dress for Easter. I found several yards of a floral print on what I think is a scuba knit. It's a minty teal with white flowers. I'm guessing it was from Girl Charlee, but I don't actually remember. I made yet another adjustment to my favorite dress pattern (https://www.colettepatterns.com/catalog/moneta) and had a custom fit, very pretty dress for Easter.
• I got to go to Easter Brunch with Downwood, kids, and MiL. Emi ate ALL THE SHRIMP. Alex ate the snacks that we packed. We didn't want to risk cross contamination with other foods for him. I drank mimosas and ate probably too much. I didn't need dinner later. It was delicious and fun. The kids are generally very well behaved in restaurants, which helps make outings like that enjoyable.
• I made muslins of both my new M4M patterns. I finally figured out the shoulder fitting issues I was running into with the shirt (http://www.madeformermaids.com/product/mamamya/). I also got lucky with my test run of the dress (http://www.madeformermaids.com/product/meganpattern/). I made a peplum top, since I didn't want to commit the fabric required for a dress. Downwood loves it.
• I did lots of laundry. Three loads on Saturday and five on Sunday. I am very glad that we have an HE washer and dryer.
• I read a little bit, including finishing Seanan McGuire's new book. I am torn. While the book got disjointed in the last 1/4, it was an accurate reflection of the inner turmoil of the 1st person narrator. I still enjoyed it and am very much looking forward to the next book with our third and final narrator.
• My MiL liked her birthday presents. I made her a cardigan. I also found a set of fancy dishes on Zulily. She has had fancy Christmas dishes and now she has some fancy summer plates and mugs. Covered in flowers, yo. COVERED in flowers. Very much her style.
• I finished up the Happiness pack on Headspace and have started on the Stress pack. Stress seems to be yet another visualization pack, using the same imagery as Balance and Self-Esteem. It's good, though. I need the practice.
• Emi and I continued to crush our 30 Day Plank Challenge.

See, jerkbrain?! See?! I did a lot of things and did them well! Nothing to be ashamed of! NOTHING!

I have a haircut tonight. My hair will be shorter. Probably hacking it off to my shoulders, maybe a bit shorter. Need a change on this front.

I'm thinking of getting this pattern for girl dresses (https://www.youcanmakethis.com/products/girls-piko-top-newborn-18-tween) and making it with either this fabric (http://www.spoonflower.com/fabric/1663167) or this fabric (http://www.spoonflower.com/fabric/3662809) or this one (http://www.spoonflower.com/fabric/1662132) as the skirt and a solid as the top. Then, probably, make a sparkly cape that can be added, if Emi feels like being a full Snow Queen in Summer.

Started sketching ideas for a steampunk jetpack in a meeting yesterday. Also sketched an airship engineer-type outfit. Too many irons in fire? NEVAR!

I'm SOOO close to finishing up a couple of cute t-shirts for Ox from some of my KnitFix fabric. All I have left is the neck-binding. They're v-neck shirts. I should maybe have done this step earlier so that if I totally screw it up, I won't be as sad. But I'm pretty sure I can handle it. Pretty sure. After they're done, Emi wants me to make her another shirt or something. So that's easy.

We're driving to down-state IL tomorrow morning and coming back Sunday afternoon. Emi's beside herself with joy. Ox has a cold and was all snotted up last night and kind of miserable. So we'll see how that goes. Things I must remember to pack: MiL's bday present, FiL's xmas present, MiL's GS cookies, FiL's GS cookies.

My TL helped me jettison my Worst Customer onto someone else. Now I have a couple extra hours a week that I used to use in Dire Frustration And Wanting To Throw Things. Now, I get to use it to do some of the stuff I love. So he told me to just go forth and do the things I love and to also think about how I can get more of what I love into my daily job and what else we'd have to change in order to make that happen. He actually wants me to be happy at work. HAPPY?! What a concept!

When I get home, I will have some comic books waiting for me. And a new silicone muffin tin. And a pound of raw cocoa butter. And some new oils. The homemade lotion route seems to be going well for the kidz and there was a sale.

And now, I go to get tasty Indian food for lunch. Because it's there and I'm hungry. Later, I have time to do work (gasp!) and will put on new nail wraps (Literary, from the first Nailed It KS). I'm wearing my Glitter is the New Black shirt. Things do not totally suck, no matter what my jerkbrain says.

 So far, everything I've tried to do well today has failed.

I tried to sleep in. Total fail.

I tried to read my book. Fail. The protagonist just got herself into a situation that's going to be awful. I don't want to read that.



I tried to go do henna. Fail. No one would stop to let me draw on them. It was hot and the spot they put me in had zero shade. I don't do well in zero shade. Since I made a total of $5 on the first 2.5 hours, they let me go. 

I tried to rethread my serger with black so that I can get some costuming stuff done. My lower looper won't stay threaded. I lost track of the number of times I threaded, unthreaded, and tried again.

Emi refuses to do anything by herself. She's allergic to it, apparently. Ox is getting in trouble over and over. It's like he's three or something.

A Zulily box arrived with a shirt I ordered a couple weeks ago. It fits. Sort of. If I gain 20 more pounds it'll still fit. It's more of a "tent" than a "shirt". At least the color is nice.

And now I'm afraid to pick up anything else to work on. I need to sew buttons and boas onto my belt and thread elastic through my new glitterdot skirtsicle. I'm scared to try, since something's going to go horribly wrong.

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe today is just bad. But it's really getting me down and my brain extrapolates that this is the way things are going to be forever and ever, so there's no point in trying.

There's a concert up at the FLGS tonight. I should go, since I like the duo. But I'd have to go by myself and I'm not feeling strong.

I know it'll get better. The henna that I actually got to do looked nice. Someday - maybe tomorrow - I'll be able to thread the damn serger. I've done it before and I can do it again. Tomorrow morning is troupe meeting. That will be nice and silly. Tomorrow afternoon Emi's having some school friends over to celebrate her birthday. We'll have popcorn, cupcakes, sno cones, face painting, and kids running around back for an hour or so. It'll be okay. I just am every kind of not okay right now.

I have a new nervous habit. When I'm trying to not freak out and out myself as being as generally depressed and anxious as I am, I play with my new necklace. I bought it from The Bloggess's shop. It simply says "Depression LIES". Emi wanted to know what it meant and I just couldn't explain. I had to break out the dreaded "I'll explain when you're older". I know that's a cop-out, but she's not old enough to understand.

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Work cafeteria had honey-Sriracha-glazed grilled chicken. It's spicy, sweet, and good (though a bit dry). I braved the super-warm rain to fetch it and am not sad.

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No one on this phone call is being the voice of reason. That's a problem. I'm too busy eating lunch and not familiar enough with the arguments to be that voice. This is troubling and could go really, really wrong. Also, "irrespective" is not a word. Jerk.

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Tensions are mounting at home. I'm waking Emi up in the morning far earlier than she wants to get up. She'll have to be up, fed, and dressed pretty early when school starts and I don't want those first days to be absolutely terrible. Daddy and Ox will also have to be getting up earlier, since I'm reasonably sure that they'll be walking Emi to and from the bus stop for at least a couple of days. I'm having to be the morning person of the group, which is not exactly a natural role for me, but it's a Momma role.

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I'm really enjoying the Jane Jameson series by Molly Harper. They're fun, the heroine is flawed in many of the same ways I am, and there are many interesting characters in the cast. Not high class literature, but fun.

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I'm excited for Odd Video Night next week. I'm bringing some shinies to unload and my henna kit. Yes. This will be a good thing.

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I'm not a failure or a terrible person. I'm doing the best I can with the hand I've been dealt. I don't get to fold, so I'll just keep going. There are good, brilliant things and some pretty awful things. The world would NOT be a better place with me not in it. Emi would never, ever understand. That has to be good enough for right now.

Friday - Left work right on time and came home. I'd thought about leaving a little early to go to JoAnn's for a new double needle, but decided to just come home.

I came home and pulled the kids outside to play with the neighbors. I talked with the neighbor mom and the kids drew chalk all over the driveway. Downwood was in a terrible mood, so I figured it was best to get us all out of his hair.

The results of my henna experiment are conclusive - the spray gel works REALLY WELL as a henna extender if applied when the henna is more dry than not. It re-moistens it, which lets it stain more. It also holds it on the skin longer - it's actually kind of difficult to chip off. This also lets the stain be longer. I like it and I'm going to continue using it.

Saturday - Tried and failed to sleep in. Both kids came in for snuggles and stealing of Mom's phone. Got up, dinked around online, then went and got my hair cut. I love my stylist. She is amazing and wonderful.

Came home and refreshed my knowledge of the Scion campaign I'm running. I decided that it was time that we should put the Rock back in Ragnarok. So far, it's going reasonably well. The players were understandably distraught when they saw that the cover of the book really is Ragnarok, but they recovered nicely. We had to do some serious recap to remember where we'd left off the last time we played (May), but we had pizza, friends, and dice. So that was all lovely and good.

In the evening, Emi and I worked downstairs. I rethreaded my serger and pulled one of my Project Bins out of the cabinet. This one had "Things to sew when you finally switch the serger to white thread". I hemmed a pile of handkerchiefs (squares of linen and cotton, found in my Great Stash Organizing), mended a rip in one of Downwood's pajama pants, and zipped together new dresses for the girls. Emi helped by clipping the threads from the handkerchiefs and putting them in the washer.

Also laundry, because Emi wanted her favorite clothes clean.

Sunday - Slept in a little bit. Got tackled by Ox, who wanted snuggles, a dry diaper, and my phone. Not really sure if the order of those things mattered to him.

After Emi woke up, we had some breakfast and then got her bags packed. She helped pick out her clothes for her suitcase, the books for her backpack, and the bedtime stuffies/blankies for her bedtime bin. Then Downwood got the car ready and he and Emi took off for Illinois.

Ox was distraught. He went and put his shoes on and went back to the garage. So I put him in the car and we went to JoAnn's for fabric and needles. Then we went to the FLGS for dice and the new D&D Starter Set. Then to McD's for french fries.

After we got home, I did more laundry and played some GW2. Then the rest of the day was for doing dishes, finishing laundry, watching cartoons, reading rules, washing dishes, and entertaining little dude. We got to Skype with Emi, Daddy, and Grandma, after which Ox had another meltdown when he realized it was just pictures on the computer. So we had to call back to have them reassure him everything would be fine.

I made dinner for us. As we finished eating, Downwood came home. When he came inside, Ox had a FULL BODY MELTDOWN when he realized Emi wasn't with him. Ox went to get his shoes and tried to pull me to to door with the expression of "Mom. Dad forgot Emi. We need to go rescue her". Little dude wasn't being reassured AT ALL that Emi was fine, was with Grandma, and we were here, and everything's okay.

As a distraction, I went downstairs and grabbed the Lego kit I'd picked up for his birthday present. Downwood sat with him and helped him build the construction machine. Ox calmed down eventually. While the boys worked on the lego, I went down and sewed together some of the fabric Ox and I picked up. Ox now has a Thomas pillow on his bed. Emi has a Spiderman pillow with glow in the dark webs.

Then it was time for bath and bed for little dude.

We called Grandma to see if Emi was settling in okay. Emi. Was. FINE. In fact, she was so fine that she was bouncing and shrieking "BUBBLES! BUBBLES! BUBBLES!" when we asked what they'd done. Apparently, bubbles were involved. And riding her tricycle. And reading books. And having dinner. And everything else.

I have two VERY different kids. It is becoming more and more apparent. :) This is kind of cool.

Today - I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. I'm very tired and grumpy and the jerkbrain is loud. I miss my Emi. Ox was still totally snoozy this morning when I left. I went in and told him good morning anyway, since I do that for Emi when she's still sleeping when I leave.

I'm angry at myself for not being more productive with my time. I'm saying bad things to myself for not knowing when we're going to get to Faire this year. I'm calling myself names because of money management issues. I put on clothes and think things are okay and then I look in the mirror and can only think cruel things.

But I made it to work. I have tea. I have a coworker who commiserated with me on the fate of a character in a story we both love. I have Jane Austen on my Kindle. I finished my audiobook ("How the White Trash Zombie Got Her Groove Back" - 4 stars), so I can download a new one.

I have henna and nail polish remover. I finished my Mensa daily puzzle easily. I will get tasty lunch. I can maybe try to leave right on time and swing through JoAnn's for fabric Downwood requested (he's jealous of the kiddos' new pillows). There's dance tonight. I can make a post with all my sewing projects and ideas. I have a new episode of KUEC for tonight.

It's going to be okay.

So far today, I have accomplished:

• Happy Ox snuggles
• Sleeeeeeepy Emi hugs
• Pay credit card bills
• Move paycheck to accounts
• Thrown money at Eliza Rickman's Kickstarter to fund her new album. She's the first weather feature from WtNV that I said "I need this" after hearing her. I love her album and want more.
• Listened to Part 2 of the anniversary WtNV show. CECIL AND CARLOS 4EVER!
• Had a coffee as big as my head
• Signed up for the Holy Taco Church newsletter
• Asked Girl Charlee if their stretch knits are layerable or standalone. I kind of dig this one. http://www.girlcharlee.com/light-mocha-rose-matte-stretch-lace-knit-fabric-p-9961.html?cPath=132
• Drooled over Ponte Roma knits on etsy. I think I need a peacock blue skirt. https://www.etsy.com/listing/168857890/peacock-heavy-ponte-roma-fabric-by-the?ref=listing-17  Since it only comes in yard increments, if I get 2 yards, that'll be enough for a solid peacock skirt with enough left over to do color blocking with black on a second skirt. Plans within plans, y'all.
• Made my Will save against buying more dresses from eShakti. If I can't be bothered to bring them in to get dry cleaned, I'm obviously not enough of a grownup to have nice things. Also, pencil skirts.
• Downloaded my Audible preorder of "How the White Trash Zombie Got Her Groove Back."
• Not gone off the handle at the guy in the office next to mine who's been shouting obscenities at his phone/computer all morning.
• Done some code review
• Tried to not beat myself up. I get shorted on sleep on Monday nights and I wasn't feeling too well, either. Looking at my calendar, I could have easily taken the morning as a half sick day just so that I'm not feeling awful later.
• Haven't yet made up my mind about driving to Iowa this weekend. Pros: see my family. Cons: 10+ hr in the car, being busy busy busy all weekend. Not actually resting. But family! But stress! But family! But oh gods would I rather just say home, maybe go to Faire, and sleep in.

Things continue as they have been. There's no change, either positive or negative, in my mood and self-image. I finished up the 14-day lower body exercise challenge and started the 30-day ab challenge. It's kind of nice to have some accountability, though my eating habits completely sabotage any additional exercises I do during the day.

I didn't do any actual sewing this weekend. I finished pinning in the bodice facing to my black/red dress. I also taped together and traced the Mabel pencil skirt pattern. I packed both the paper pattern of the Mabel and a cute cardigan pattern to bring to dance class tonight. Maybe others will also want to make copies of these.

I did laundry, got my hair cut and eyebrows waxed. I got to soak in aromatherapy and get my toes painted bright red with glitter, per Emi's request. I did a little reading, a little drawing, too much grocery shopping, and played GW2. I didn't garden or go to the pool with my kids.

I took my meds and drank really good beer. I slept in and had some incredibly high anxiety dreams.

I snuggled my kids and watched cartoons with them, but probably not as long as I should have. I didn't play dominoes with Emi and she was crushed. I didn't play trains with Ox, but he seems to have not minded too much.

All of these things glom together in my mind with the predisposition of anxiety and depression. This feeds the jerkbrain and gives it all sorts of ammunition to prove what a waste of space I am.

But it's June. I will pay the bills and go to dance class tonight. I'll read my book, listen to my podcasts (OMG YOU GUYS THE NEW NIGHT VALE I HAVE NO WORDS), and try to ignore the voices in my head.

I've spent a lot of time at work in the last week where I have a bit of down time and just get overwhelmed and have to fight back tears as I try to decide what to work on next. This makes me even less productive than when I have meetings back to back to back. It also makes me not want to be at work.

I feel better when I put on my headphones and have music, podcasts, or good books, but lately it seems that the best way to get a really annoying phone call is to turn on my music. My phone rings almost immediately. So I don't turn it on, even though it would make me happy, because I'm too anxious about getting pulled away from whatever task I've started.

I need to buy new jeans. I've gotten too chubby for these ones to be comfortable. Because of my height and my weird way of carrying extra weight, jeans don't fit well. Ever. And going shopping for them is a nightmare.  I know that the size on the label is a lie and has nothing to do with my self-worth and that if my clothes actually fit, I look and feel better. I just hate going shopping for jeans. Ugh.

Last night, I went to the spa and had a nice lady rub lavender oil into my scalp, hair, and neck. It was lovely and wonderful and I actually went home on a work night in a relaxed state. While there, I made a silly decision to treat myself to some rich body lotion. I liked the scent and the promise of "shimmer". It's more like "glitter". I didn't see it when putting it on this morning, but...yeah. I'm going back and forth between GLEE and WOE IS ME.

My thumbs and wrists are getting back to normal, so I've been able to start crocheting again. I'm working through my yarn stash, focusing on getting through my cotton yarns by making dishcloths. It's a little bit of luxury and practical. I like being practical. I've also made a rug for Emi's dollhouse and a coaster for my desk out of the scraps at the end of the skeins. As I work through my stash and work through the saved projects on my Pinterest page, I've been moving the projects to a new board: I did this!

Duolingo is still a good thing. I'm getting really confused by the pronouns and the form that I use for different cases or different genders. One of the downsides of this form of learning is that they never say "This goes with this and this is the pattern and this is why". They want you to learn "organically" or some such nonsense. Bah. That's not how my brain works, so I bought a laminated study guide. I need to find the pronoun section and figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be learning.

I started a Facebook page for my henna work. I decided that, if I want to build my "brand", I need to keep growing. Since I only have so much skin and so many opportunities to draw on other people, I've started drawing designs in a notebook and posting a new one daily. I draw with a marker without an underlying sketch, since that's how I apply henna. I know I could use an eyeliner or watercolor pencil to sketch on a person before applying henna, but I haven't yet gotten to a point where I want to get that complicated.

I love my kids. They're stinkers sometimes, but they're also sweet.

I'm out of graham crackers at work. This makes me sad, since I still have half a container of Jif Whips Peanut Butter with Chocolate. It's basically frosting. It's so good.

Man, I'm tired. I've been so out of it in the mornings lately that I've been turning off my alarm instead of snoozing and not realizing that the alarm I turned off was the second, not the first. I don't know what's going on with my sleep lately, but I wake up more tired than I went to bed. Coffee is my friend and I can keep moving.

I'm doing a little better on jerkbrain-gremlin maintenance. Not a whole lot better, but a bit. Having a couple of days of warm and sun helps. The headache I've been rocking today isn't helping.

Sigh.

We went to look at a new Kia last night. Downwood wants 4WD, I want to replace the less-than-reliable Jeep with something safe, sturdy, and that can take more than just the 4 of us places. So, like, if we're going to Faire, we can invite a friend or two to ride along without having to squish them in between the two car seats or have them ride in the back of the wagon. I'd had a rough/long work day and wasn't feeling up to dealing with salesmen. Downwood was upbeat and happy at being out with grownups. I was bitchy and having problems keeping both kids entertained in the dealership. I didn't take a turn at driving the car - I just wanted to be home.

No, jerkbrain, that doesn't make me a terrible person. It makes me an overworked, overtired human being who has no patience for sales tactics.

I took Ox straight home from the dealership. I got him in the tub. Right after Downwood and Emi got back, I got him out of the tub and into PJs. He's started wanting me to read him books before bed. This makes me SO FREAKING HAPPY. But then Daddy has to be the one who tucks him in and turns off the light. If Momma tries, he gets out of bed and goes to get Daddy.

Emi got to stay up later than usual. She and Daddy went to the Friendly Local Game Store, where she got to pick out her Very First Dice Set. They're clear red plastic, in their own container, and they're totally hers. She's SO PROUD. She apparently told Daddy and the store clerk that she needed more dice in more colors and she also needed a dice bag. So I have a task on my To Dos for the weekend to go downstairs and make her a dice bag.

I can focus on good things. I can keep going. I have no plans for this weekend (that I know of), so I might get some sewing done. I can pick out some music for next Thursday. I can gather up henna supplies for bdvideo night at RH's. I can hug my kids and move more books into Ox's room so we have choices for bedtime.

Coffee is my friend and keeps me going. I just need to not push myself so hard and punish myself so hard. That's not helping me be a better person, it just makes things suck.