cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Taking two days off of work to spend with my family? Terrific idea.

I've spent a lot of time at work in the last week where I have a bit of down time and just get overwhelmed and have to fight back tears as I try to decide what to work on next. This makes me even less productive than when I have meetings back to back to back. It also makes me not want to be at work.

I feel better when I put on my headphones and have music, podcasts, or good books, but lately it seems that the best way to get a really annoying phone call is to turn on my music. My phone rings almost immediately. So I don't turn it on, even though it would make me happy, because I'm too anxious about getting pulled away from whatever task I've started.

I need to buy new jeans. I've gotten too chubby for these ones to be comfortable. Because of my height and my weird way of carrying extra weight, jeans don't fit well. Ever. And going shopping for them is a nightmare.  I know that the size on the label is a lie and has nothing to do with my self-worth and that if my clothes actually fit, I look and feel better. I just hate going shopping for jeans. Ugh.

Last night, I went to the spa and had a nice lady rub lavender oil into my scalp, hair, and neck. It was lovely and wonderful and I actually went home on a work night in a relaxed state. While there, I made a silly decision to treat myself to some rich body lotion. I liked the scent and the promise of "shimmer". It's more like "glitter". I didn't see it when putting it on this morning, but...yeah. I'm going back and forth between GLEE and WOE IS ME.

My thumbs and wrists are getting back to normal, so I've been able to start crocheting again. I'm working through my yarn stash, focusing on getting through my cotton yarns by making dishcloths. It's a little bit of luxury and practical. I like being practical. I've also made a rug for Emi's dollhouse and a coaster for my desk out of the scraps at the end of the skeins. As I work through my stash and work through the saved projects on my Pinterest page, I've been moving the projects to a new board: I did this!

Duolingo is still a good thing. I'm getting really confused by the pronouns and the form that I use for different cases or different genders. One of the downsides of this form of learning is that they never say "This goes with this and this is the pattern and this is why". They want you to learn "organically" or some such nonsense. Bah. That's not how my brain works, so I bought a laminated study guide. I need to find the pronoun section and figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be learning.

I started a Facebook page for my henna work. I decided that, if I want to build my "brand", I need to keep growing. Since I only have so much skin and so many opportunities to draw on other people, I've started drawing designs in a notebook and posting a new one daily. I draw with a marker without an underlying sketch, since that's how I apply henna. I know I could use an eyeliner or watercolor pencil to sketch on a person before applying henna, but I haven't yet gotten to a point where I want to get that complicated.

I love my kids. They're stinkers sometimes, but they're also sweet.

I'm out of graham crackers at work. This makes me sad, since I still have half a container of Jif Whips Peanut Butter with Chocolate. It's basically frosting. It's so good.

It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to wake up grumpy. Everyone wakes up grumpy and has bad days. Ox is my Morning Person kid. He's so darn happy to see another day. Today, he wasn't done on both sides and was grumpy and wanted both snuggles and to be left alone. At the same time. It's okay to have bad days, it's part of being human.

It's okay that I'm not as graceful as Au, as precise as GPS, as knowledgeable as RH, or as emotive as N. I'm me. I have my own dance voice and my own set of skills and there are things that I do well and things that I do not so well. It doesn't make anyone better or worse. Just human. Just different. It's okay.

My jerkbrain isn't right. Messing up on one thing doesn't mean that I'm a failure as a person. It means I'm human and I make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, especially when they're learning new things. That's fine. That's what learning and being human is about. My jerkbrain isn't right.

I am flawed. I am not perfect. I do not have to conform to the extremely narrow definition of beauty and success the media celebrates. It's okay. It's okay to play and read with my kids. It's okay to take some time for me. It's okay to cry and be angry. It's okay to mess up. It's okay to apologize. It's okay to try to be more and grow. It's okay.

The Evil Empire has this neat perk - after you've been an employee for 5 years, you get a month-long sabbatical. If you spend a certain amount of the time visiting a country you've never seen before, the company will cover your airfare and hotel. At 5 years, you can take one person with you. At 10 years, you can take 3 people with you.

Right now the plan is for us to take my sister and brother-in-law to Germany and Belgium for 2 weeks. During Oktoberfest. We will drink ALL the beers. And probably eat all the chocolates.

I need to start socking aside moneys now for the up-front costs of getting there and for things like food, beer, and souvenirs. And something nice for whichever grandparents come to stay with the kiddos, since Emi'll be in first grade and Ox'll be in 4K.

I also decided that I should learn German, so I'm seeing if Duolingo (free app for iPhone) will work. They try to take a holistic approach to language, but I'm wondering if I wouldn't be better off just getting a textbook and going for it. My brain is very methodical and I'm not sure that this way of learning is best for me. I don't expect to get fluent, but I'd like to be a little competent.

Anyway, it's something new and something long-range. And it's something that seems to short-circuit my panic attacks, so I'm going to go with it.

I think I'm picking up a new hobby. Custom My Little Ponies. Blame Emi and M-LP-U. I'm kind of looking forward to this.

Up first, MAD SCIENTIST PONY!!!

Cue maniacal laugh and rubbing hands together in anticipatory glee.

A couple months ago, I decided to start learning how to brew beer. I love beer and I'm pretty good at baking and used to be very good in lab microbiology technique. Way back in the day, the first conversation that Downwood and I ever had was about brewing mead, so I also figured that learning about beer would be something we could talk about as Sabine & Downwood instead of our usual daily conversations/riot police efforts as Momma & Daddy.

So being me, I went online, found a shop with very high reviews, and bought some kits. Several kits later, I've started modifying recipes and buying individual ingredients. This is a hobby that feels right. It's chemistry and cooking and biology. It also ends with me having a tangible, consumable product that I can distribute.

This weekend I intend to embark on The Great Lager Experiment with an Oktoberfest kit. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to regulate the cold temperature over the weeks that it will need to be awesome, but I have some ideas. This will being with propagating the yeast in a starter, which makes me long for the days of stir plates and temp-regulated rooms. The university would *probably* frown on using lab equipment to brew beer. Probably.

I'm also starting to plan out my holiday brews. I'm trying to limit myself to three for the Thanksgiving-to-Hogswatch season, but being me, I'm having trouble deciding.

Apple Ale or Pumpkin Ale
Dark Cherry Stout or Chocolate Milk Stout
Gingerbread Porter or Coffee Porter

I'm going to need more bottles. Oh darn.

I'm a couple days late on this. I blame a child who only wants to eat well at night and plays all day. Also, there's too much good college football on TV.

In the last decade I:

• Finished college
  
• Started a doctorate, but finished with a master's
  
• Fell in and out of love
  
• Visited new countries
  
• Worked as a science teacher, science researcher, and as IT tech
  
• Figured out my ideal job, but haven't yet been able to get it
  
• Lived in two states and at several addresses
  
• Adopted the sweetest and laziest greyhound of all. Dingbat dog.
  
• Got a cell phone
  
• Watched far too much football
  
• Finally became friends with my little sister
  
• Made some good decisions and some really bad ones, and learned from them both
  
• Gained weight, lost it, gained it, lost it, and gained it again
  
• Had my hair as short as it's ever been, as long as it's ever been, and many different colors of red
  
• Gave up on contact lenses

I learned:

• That antidepressants work much better when you take the entire daily dose every day
  
• What a pain scale score of 10 really means
  
• How to throw pottery
  
• That dance class is the highlight of my week
  
• How to apologize and repair friendships
  
• Correct posture
  
• How to sew clothes, garb, and quilts
  
• That sushi is delicious
  
• How to have friendships that last a decade
  
• That my daughter's smile is the absolute best thing ever and mostly makes up for the 9 months of physical awfulness it took to get her
  
• How to game and how to run them
  
• That I shouldn't be allowed into JoAnn's, Hobby Lobby, Lush, or a used bookstore by myself
  
• How to tell when my mental state is bad enough that I need to check myself into the psych ward
  
• That marriage is a series of compromises and that being married to your best friend is awesome
  
• How to ask for and accept help when I need it and that there are certain people who will always be there for me no matter what
  
• That maybe I'm not such a bad person as I tend to think I am
  
• That health insurance is worth its weight in gold

I bought:

• A wedding dress
  
• Plane tickets
  
• Boat tickets
  
• An old car and a new car
  
• A house
  
• Baby clothes
  
• More books than I know what to do with
  
• Far too much cloth, yarn, and cross-stitch stuff

I celebrated:

• My friends' weddings
  
• New babies
  
• My own wedding
  
• My sister's wedding, even though I couldn't be there
  
• The beginning of the decade on the banks of the Thames with friends and the end on my couch with my husband.
  
• Birthdays including being able to legally drink, rent a car for less, and the big 3-0
  
• Many holidays with friends and family

There were some really crappy times and some amazing ones. I'm looking forward to the 10s to see what happens next!

So I tried to make fried rice tonight with rice and other leftovers from earlier in the week. It sort of worked. I think that I used the wrong kind of rice, because it kind of turned into a gooey blob. It tastes like fried rice and is actually pretty delicious, but it doesn't look all that appetizing.

Luckily, though I prefer it when my food is visually appealing, I'm starving because lunch was a long time ago and I got home from dance right before setting some oil to heat. My faithful greyhound was observing the entire proceedings and has let it be known that she will gladly help dispose of any leftovers.

Assuming I can get the right kind of rice, I would totally make this again. It's got the "fridge casserole" thing going for it, which is something that I enjoy.

I think I need to find something better than bobby pins to hold my hair in place. I have enough of it that it's unwieldy to manage and I really don't like having my hair straggling down my back. I like how some of the tribal dancers do their hair, so I figured I could use my vacation time to experiment.

I got some pretty fabric for a scarf and have some flowers that I can wire on to clips as soon as I find both wire and clips. I was going to pick up some plain hair sticks and put bead danglies or something on them, but I forgot to stop at Walgreens.

Here's how it looks right now. I think that I'll try getting the initial ponytail up higher on my head tomorrow to see how that looks.
( pictures )